so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize