i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
