I wish I only lived at night.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
