Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We're too hungover to prance.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
