Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
