just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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