drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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