Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
