he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
