I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
