I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
