Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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