i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
