My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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