No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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