Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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