I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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