I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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