Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
