i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
