Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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