She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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