i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
