Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize