PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
