There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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