the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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