i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
