So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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