hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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