i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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