it wasn't lemon gatorade
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize