i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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