You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
