i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
