I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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