Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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