I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
