dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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