I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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