you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
