4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
