No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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