apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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