So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
