this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
