Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
