i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
