I think i peed on brittanys purse
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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