I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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