Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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