i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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