If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
