I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Panties = found
Randomize
