I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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