I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
