Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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