I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
