Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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