Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize